It's amazing how quickly shit can start to suck. A few weeks ago everything was going super rad and I was like 'okay...what's the catch'. So maybe I brought it on myself haha. Either way suddenly everything feels really fucking bleak. I love playing in ex so why am I fucking up so bad every time we play? I hate my lyrics and the shit I say between songs and the way I can't play as well as the other guys are and yeah...fuck. Crushes are stupid too. Unrealistic, unrequited ones that I don't even fucking want. Why haven't I been able to accept the fact that a) I'm going to be alone anyway unless I meet someone blind or with some weird pathological attraction to ugly people and b) I'm much, much better off this way anyway? Shit. And gear worries. And my incredible paranoia acting up again so I'm there thinking that my band is seen as this huge joke to all the, fuck I dunno crusties or hesh people or whatever, all the people I've been around for so long and actually kinda consider friends or whatever; how I've always felt inferior and out of place and how I keep thinking that to them ex is 'dase's emo thing' (derisive sneer). And the fact that I've got three weeks of uni left and then I have no idea what the fuck I'm going to do. I know what I need to do (move out, work) but I'm so fucking scared. And me drinking and flying into super rages straight away that make me try to fight anyone who's a smug dick to me. And friends being in such horrible, messy, much worse places and I don't know what I can do for them. And the fact that plowing my car into concrete barrier on the way home keeps seeming like the easiest way to solve this all.
Balanced I guess against the fact that I know these days I'll never do something like that, no exactly where those thoughts are coming from and how to ignore them. And how different that is from a few years ago and how lucky I am to have survived those years.
And so what am I gonna do about it? Well I made a mix of all the embarassing music I'm sort of ashamed to admit is like my paranoia, self hatred depression music. Here it is.
1 Engine Down - songbird
2 Red House Painters - medicine bottle
3 Cat Power - good woman
4 Wrangler Brutes - sudden adult death syndrome
5 David Bowie - ashes to ashes
6 Billy Bragg - levi stubbs tears
7 Feist - lonely lonely
8 Fleetwood Mac - the chain
9 Five Eight - she's sleeping (I hate this version btw, demo is way better)
10 Frodus - 6/99
11 Pygmylush - dreams are class
12 Unwound - october all over
13 Dinosaur Jr - raisins
14 The Hal Al Shedad - ivan's devil
15 Small Brown Bike - the outline of yr hand
16 Steve Von Till - willow tree
17 Afghan Whigs - my curse
18 City of Caterpillar - maybe they'll gnaw right through
